Let us start with an opening statement such as "...fuck my life.", no, seriously. So I make a decision to quit my job in order to receive the appropriate medical attention I need and in doing so I fuck my husband out of living quarters. I fuck my current boss out of her right hand stooge and I fuck a lot of animals out of proper and immediate care. I fuck my whopping two reliable friends out of their support system. Why does everyone lean on me? And when I try to lean on them they sway and I get stuck. I hate always being the fucking provider for everyone. I'm damn well bowling my eyes out, can't breathe and my right side joints are killing me. When I try to look for help, I get shit on. Always.
"You have at least seven bottles of narcotics in the house."
--Yeah and you know what I've eaten handfuls of them. I don't have those bottles anymore. Thy don't work on this kind of pain! Believe me I've tried to stop it, I've tried occupying myself by getting outside and grooming the dogs, I've tried soaking in the bath, I've eaten numerous pills, I've tried drinking and nothing fucking works. I am god darned miserable. And I just want it to be fixed. I hate feeling bed ridden all damned day, I hate crying because it hurts so fucking bad. I hate feeling this useless. But hey, no one sees it so I must be making it up right?
I just want answers. I want to stop hurting. It's been three months since this shit started.
I still want to know how I get ropes into being the fucking support beam to everyone's structure. I'm apart of so many its ridiculous. My biggest thing is disappointing Aaron, but I've also got to make myself better. I can't just worship the ground he walks on and turn into a crippled undesirable piece of shit.
I'm just so thankful we don't have kids.
I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy, I want to paint again!!!! I want to be me and not some psycho bitch hovering over every move my husband makes because I'm damaged goods. Because I was naive and hurt by an asshole. Jesus fucking Christ I need help.. fuck me
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