Gotta tear the walls down...

Let us start with an opening statement such as "...fuck my life.", no, seriously. So I make a decision to quit my job in order to receive the appropriate medical attention I need and in doing so I fuck my husband out of living quarters. I fuck my current boss out of her right hand stooge and I fuck a lot of animals out of proper and immediate care. I fuck my whopping two reliable friends out of their support system. Why does everyone lean on me? And when I try to lean on them they sway and I get stuck. I hate always being the fucking provider for everyone. I'm damn well bowling my eyes out, can't breathe and my right side joints are killing me. When I try to look for help, I get shit on. Always.

"You have at least seven bottles of narcotics in the house."
--Yeah and you know what I've eaten handfuls of them. I don't have those bottles anymore. Thy don't work on this kind of pain! Believe me I've tried to stop it, I've tried occupying myself by getting outside and grooming the dogs, I've tried soaking in the bath, I've eaten numerous pills, I've tried drinking and nothing fucking works. I am god darned miserable. And I just want it to be fixed. I hate feeling bed ridden all damned day, I hate crying because it hurts so fucking bad. I hate feeling this useless. But hey, no one sees it so I must be making it up right?
I just want answers. I want to stop hurting. It's been three months since this shit started.

I still want to know how I get ropes into being the fucking support beam to everyone's structure. I'm apart of so many its ridiculous. My biggest thing is disappointing Aaron, but I've also got to make myself better. I can't just worship the ground he walks on and turn into a crippled undesirable piece of shit.

I'm just so thankful we don't have kids.

I just want to be happy. I want to be healthy, I want to paint again!!!! I want to be me and not some psycho bitch hovering over every move my husband makes because I'm damaged goods. Because I was naive and hurt by an asshole. Jesus fucking Christ I need help.. fuck me

No matter how hard I hit the ground...

So I've had this tab open on my computer the past three days. I'm very selective with what I chose to educate myself with about the Marine Corps but through the Terminal Lance comic strip I found this:

http://www.rb-portraits.com/

It moved me. For once, something I can relate to in this heathenish occupation. Probably only seeming heathenish to me because I've been around the grunts and exposed to their dramas and their bullshit. But anyways, his work is phenomenal, it's clean, it tells a story. I miss raw work like that... I miss creating so so sooooo much. It kills me that I've ceased function as an artist.

I've gotta get more shit done this weekend with packing and de-trashing this place...My girl is dropping off her truck while she's gone this week so I can do what I need to and get shit done. I hope this month flies by and most of all I hope that we move to California. But I think I have everything in line in case it's Japan. So that's how it's gonna work.

I need to get a few travel bags and label them accordingly for bathroom, clothing, books/DVDs, ad the dogs stuff. That's my biggest thing. I need order, I need things to be nice and neat. I've got about a month to do so.

What has made it's presence...

Another day has come and gone, my mind has been wondering terribly. Drifting from idea to idea and situation to situation. I look at how alone I really am, like, really alone. I can say I have one well acquaintance the others are just names with no real connection. I try to work on relations with these people but how can when I'm a different breed of creature than them? I try not to give a shit about Aaron and his communication process. I don't hear from him every night like all these other girls hear from their dudes. Or at least that is the way they make it seem... that everything is hunky-dory or they have to throw that out there to make themselves feel secure about their situation. Women are a conundrum, plain and simple. It's so much easier just being solitary but I will admit, every now and then I yearn for that normalness that is female interaction then usually afterwards I feel like I've been skullfucked. Not kidding, I usually leave with a migraine, ugh. Few women can sit there and enjoy the breeze with a drink in their hands... They can't enjoy the silence. They're too busy with their heads up their husbands ass relaying all of the information that they spoke to them in confidence.

Tonight is the first night I'm actually making myself an actual dinner... It's weird, I'm for once hungry for food, good food. I think I'm finally growing comfortable with his absence. I've read a little here about the 0211 MOS and I'm willing to live an incomplete life because when we retire, Jesus, it best be filled with escapes and mountains, jungles and awesome. I know I want to get my degree whatever the hell for the Vet Tech crap-o-la and just carry that around with me and do what I can to help wherever we go. I'm good at what I do, awesome in fact and I can't see doing anything else. I need the boys with me, I need my dogs. I'm still very apprehensive about the child thing... Maybe at around 28. I had always said 25 but that's next year and I don't fucking think so. Plus, hopefully we'll be at a better military installation or he'll have found a civilian job and is banking +$80K a year, hahaha.

And what the hell has been up with the bogus ass friend requests from people I have had zero contact with in FOREVER? I hate it but of course my curiosity gets the better of me... eegads.

But yes, it's man time (Beer, Steak and Potato). I don't have time for this.

Same Exact Spot...

Trying this again? Sure, why the hell not. Life is ever changing, moving and presenting more and more opportunities. I need to start documenting them better because I seem to be forgetting a lot of things lately, boo-hiss!
Anyway, I'm packing up a lot of miscellaneous items and putting them into storage so it's not as hectic when it comes time to move. Supposedly we may be trekking out to California or headed to the land of Okinawa. Regardless it should be more then interesting to see how it all goes. Aaron is doing well in school, I got to visit him this Memorial Day weekend with the boys. We took the boys to the beach and some dumb ass woman called the boys "PitBulls" are you SERIOUS I was beyond livid but her friend came over and waved us to the "dog" beach area where we could let the kids off lead and thus, Harvey and Aaron had their obligatory ninja fight.
It was fun and well deserved even though he was 'working' most of the time. The time away from one another has been good and for me it's brought me to realize he's not always a pain in the ass or a thorn in my foot like I tend to make him out to be. I'm used to being the top dog, wearing the pants in the household and doing shit my way. I don't like to deviate.

I'm trying so hard not to run over to the storage unit and dump the stuff I've packed but I've gotta play it smart with money and gas, etc etc etc. Smart Smart Smart.

I've been drowning my brain in Eyedea and Abilities. I can't believe Mike fucking OD'd last year. It's almost been a year, ridiculous. The power of his music and lyrics were ridiculous, especially for a free-style hip-hop white guy.